Lesbian's Guide to Strap On Sex

So, you’ve been curious about strap on sex or maybe you’re already loving it and just want to take things up a notch. Either way, you’re in the right place. This guide isn’t just about learning the mechanics of strapping one on, it’s about diving into the confidence, creativity, and chemistry that comes with queer intimacy.

Strap on play isn’t a “replacement” for anything. It’s not about mimicking heterosexual dynamics or compensating for anyone’s anatomy. It’s about tapping into mutual pleasure, trust, and communication in a way that celebrates connection over conformity. Whether you’re dominant, submissive, switchy, or somewhere in between, using a strap on can open up all kinds of new dynamics from tender and slow, to primal and passionate.

In this guide, we’re going deep... figuratively and literally. We’ll break down what a strap on is, how to use it, how to choose one that suits your body and your desires, how to play with positions, why lube is your best friend, and how to keep things hygienic and safe. Whether you’re curious, cautious, or confident, you’ll find something here to help you feel empowered and excited.

 

What is a Strap On?

A strap on is, at its core, a harness that allows one partner to wear and control a dildo. This creates the opportunity for penetrative sex that doesn’t rely on a penis or traditional anatomy. But to reduce strap ons to mere tools of penetration would be doing them a disservice. Strap ons can be used for a wide range of activities from deep, slow love-making to frenzied, dominant power play. And they’re not just for vaginal penetration either. Strap ons can be used anally (with care), externally, or even just as visual stimulation.

There are many types of strap ons: double-ended ones, hollow ones, vibrating options, and classic harness-and-dildo combinations. Some strap ons are designed so the person wearing them can receive stimulation internally via a bulb or plug, offering mutual pleasure during use. Others are simple and straightforward, ideal for beginners or minimalists.

It’s also important to separate the idea of wearing a strap on from rigid ideas about gender roles or identity. Anyone can give or receive strap on sex. Some people might feel powerful and dominant when wearing one; others may find it a way to provide deep care and intimacy. And for many receivers, being penetrated by a partner wearing a strap on can be an incredibly affirming, vulnerable, and blissful experience.

Let’s also not forget the mental aspect. For some, the mere sight of a partner strapping on can be wildly erotic. There’s something incredibly sexy about watching someone confidently gear up to please you. It can create a feeling of performance, ritual, or anticipation that heightens the entire experience.

In essence, a strap on isn’t just a sex toy, it’s a conduit for confidence, closeness, and creativity.

How to Use a Strap On

Using a strap on can feel awkward at first, and that’s perfectly normal. There’s a learning curve not just physically, but emotionally too. If you’re new to it, expect some laughter, some trial-and-error, and hopefully, a whole lot of fun. Unlike using your fingers or a vibrator, strapping on requires coordination, balance, and a different kind of bodily awareness. It’s not just about thrusting; it’s about connecting, adjusting, and staying present.

Start by introducing the idea outside of a sexual context. Talk to your partner about why you’re curious to try it, what excites you, and what boundaries you both have. Emotional safety is just as important as physical comfort. Once you're both on board, take your time with the preparation. Practice wearing the harness around the house. Notice how it fits, how it feels against your skin, and how it moves with your body. If it doesn’t feel comfortable solo, it won’t feel good during sex.

Foreplay is absolutely essential. Strap on sex is not about skipping straight to penetration. Engage in kissing, touching, oral sex, whatever helps you both feel aroused, connected, and relaxed. When it’s time to use the toy, make sure everything is well-lubricated. This makes things smoother for the receiver and allows the giver to move freely without friction.

When you first start thrusting, go slowly. Check in regularly. It’s better to build up momentum gradually than to dive in too fast and risk discomfort or emotional disconnection. The person wearing the strap on should use their hips and thighs rather than their whole torso. Think of it as a rhythm rather than a pump.

Using your hands is vital, too. Hold onto your partner’s hips, caress their body, stimulate other erogenous zones. Eye contact, dirty talk, or whispered encouragement can massively enhance the experience. Strap on sex should be dynamic, not robotic.

Lastly, remember: there’s no such thing as failure here. If something doesn’t feel good, stop and adjust. Laugh about it. Then try again. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

 

Choose a Strap On that Suits You

There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to strap ons. The right fit can mean the difference between awkward fumbling and toe-curling pleasure. That means thinking about both the harness and the dildo itself. Comfort, material, adjustability, and stimulation are all key factors.

Harnesses come in a few main styles:

• Two-strap harnesses are secure and widely adjustable.
• Three-strap harnesses offer extra stability and prevent the base from shifting during movement.
• Underwear-style harnesses look like briefs or boyshorts and are comfortable but may sacrifice some control.
• Double penetration harnesses include an extra ring or space for a second dildo.
• Strapless options allow the wearer to receive internal stimulation while penetrating their partner, but they do require strong pelvic floor muscles to control effectively. 

Then it comes to the dildo:

• Silicone is best. It's body-safe, non-porous, and easy to clean. Avoid jelly rubber or other porous materials.
  
• Start small if you're new. A thinner, shorter dildo can help you get used to the sensation without discomfort.
• Look for flared bases to keep everything secure in the harness.
  
• Experiment with shapes. Curved ones for G-spot stimulation, realistic textures, or even vibrating options for added stimulation.
• Colour matters too. Aesthetically speaking. Choose something that turns you both on. 

Remember, shopping for a strap on should be fun. Explore online reviews, check out queer-friendly sex shops, and don’t be afraid to ask questions. Many shops even offer starter kits that include everything you need to get going.

And one final tip? Try it on and walk around. Thrust your hips a little. See how it feels when you sit, squat, or kneel. Your perfect strap on should feel like an extension of your body, not an awkward contraption you’re wrestling with.

 

Switch Up the Positions

Positioning can transform the strap on experience. With so many possibilities, there’s no reason to stick to just one approach.

Popular and pleasurable positions include:

• Missionary - Eye contact, closeness, and deep kissing make this position tender and intimate. Add a pillow under the hips for better G-spot access.
• Doggy style - Great for rougher play, this position offers deep penetration ad gives the giver full visual and physical control.
• Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl - The receiver straddles the giver and sets the pace. Perfect for clitoral grinding and dominant energy from below. 
• Spooning - A gentle, close position ideal for slower thrusting, especially in the morning or during aftercare.
• Standing or bent-over positions - Excellent for dominant roleplay and quick, thrilling encounters against a sturdy surface.
  
• Furniture play - Use cushions, swings, wedges, or chairs to change angles and reduce physical strain. 
  

Don’t be afraid to shift things around mid-session. Try combining strap on penetration with oral or manual stimulation. Use your hands, mouth, toys. Whatever brings you both closer to climax.

 

Introduce Lube

Lube isn’t optional, it’s essential. Even if your partner gets wet naturally, a good water-based or silicone-based lube will make strap on sex smoother, more comfortable, and more pleasurable.

Why Lube Matters

• Dildos don't self-lubricate, so friction can become uncomfortable without it.
• Lube allows for deeper penetration with less resistance.
• It can reduce the chance of microtears, especially for beginners.
• It adds a layer of comfort and luxury to every thrust. 

Types of lube to consider:

• Water based lube - Safe with all toys and easy to clean. Needs reapplication during long sessions. 
• Silicone based lube - Longer-lasting and waterproof. Not suitable for silicone toys.

Apply generously to both the dildo and the receiver’s entrance. Keep the bottle nearby for touch-ups. And if you're incorporating anal play or pegging into your strap on adventures, lube becomes even more critical.

 

Ensure Your Dildo is Clean

Hygiene is non-negotiable when it comes to strap on sex. You’re dealing with bodily fluids, friction, and sensitive areas, so keeping everything clean is crucial.

Cleaning basics:

• Wash the dildo before and after every use with warm water and unscented soap or toy cleaner.
• Pay close attention to any creases or textures where bacteria might hide.
• Clean harnesses according to manufacturer instructions .

Extra tips:

• Use condoms on your dildo if sharing between partners or switching from vaginal to anal penetration.
• Dry your toys thoroughly and store them in a clean, dust-free place.
• Inspect toys regularly for wear or damage.

A clean toy is a safe toy and when everything's hygienic, you can focus on what matters.

 

Ride It Like You Mean It

Strap on sex isn’t just a “kinky” add-on to your bedroom routine, it can be a deeply bonding, affirming, and endlessly pleasurable part of your sex life. Whether you're experimenting with roles, chasing powerful orgasms, or just looking for new ways to express intimacy, the strap on offers something unique: the ability to co-create your erotic narrative.

Remember, it’s not about performance. It’s about exploration, communication, and care. The more you talk, listen, experiment, and laugh, the better it gets.